Eliminating Passive Writing
By Laura Backes
Passive Writing is common pitfall, one so insidious that it even pops up in the writing of very experienced authors from time to time. It can sap the life and energy out of the most exciting story.
I've read entire manuscripts written in passive sentences, which make the story sound like it's about to start, but never takes off. Passive writing tells rather than shows; the author circles the story without ever letting the reader become involved in the action. Here's an example:
In the field was a mouse. He was sitting in the tall grass. There was a cat across the road. The cat smelled the mouse, and began to walk to the field. There was a noise in the grass. The cat and mouse looked at each other.
Each sentence falls like a lead weight on the page.
Sentences that start with forms of there was, there is, and there are (or he/she was, he/she is, etc.) are telling and almost always passive. Search for these constructions in your writing and eliminate them. Began to can also be passive.
When writing actively, verbs are your most valuable tool. Pick verbs that describe exactly how your character is acting; alternate words for sat carry different emotional meanings (perched, slouched, squat ). The subject and verb contain the important information in each sentence, so keep those elements close together and toward the front of the sentence to achieve the greatest impact.
Another problem with the above example is that there is no main character. The viewpoint of both the cat and mouse are shown. In one sentence — There was a noise in the grass — you're not sure who is hearing the sound. If you write the story from one point of view it forces you to see the events through your main character's eyes, thus leading to active writing.
Here is the cat-and-mouse scenario with the passive writing eliminated, using specific, descriptive verbs, and adding a bit of dialogue:
The mouse lolled in the field, nibbling on a seed. He sighed as the soft rustling of the grass caressed his ears. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet as a rumbling purrr floated through the breeze. The mouse stared straight into two yellow eyes and a wide, cat grin. "Egads!" he shrieked.
The reader will assume that the cat smelled the mouse and stalked his prey across the field. By eliminating passive writing, the mouse is poised for action, and the story is off and running.
It takes time and practice to eliminate such problems as expository dialogue and passive writing from your work. But the payoff for your hard work and diligence will be a smoother style and a heightened ability to create remarkable stories. •
© 2004 Children's Book Insider, LLC. All rights reserved.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Effective Writing
Monday, November 30, 2009
The Norton Guide to Writing
Follow the link to read key features of an informative report. Fill in the reading guide as you progress.
http://www.wwnorton.com/college/english/write/fieldguide/writing_toolbar.asp?pgname=rhetorical.asp&title=Rhetorical%20Situations
http://www.wwnorton.com/college/english/write/fieldguide/writing_toolbar.asp?pgname=rhetorical.asp&title=Rhetorical%20Situations
Saturday, October 3, 2009
The Memoir / Narrative Writing
Read the "Proficency" literacy narrative & then post a comment. Discuss how well you think the story met the 3 key features listed below it.
In the following literacy narrative, Shannon Nichols, a student at Wright State University, describes her experience taking the standardized writing proficiency test that high school students in Ohio must pass to graduate. She wrote this essay for a college writing course, where her audience included her classmates and instructor. ( First year writing students are often called upon to compose literacy narratives to explore how they learned to read or write.)
SHANNON NICHOLS "Proficiency"
The first time I took the ninth-grade proficiency test was in March of eighth grade. The test ultimately determines whether students may receive a high school diploma. After months of preparation and anxiety, the pressure was on. Throughout my elementary and middle school years, I was a strong student, always on the honor roll. I never had a GPA below 3.0. I was smart, and I knew it. That is, until I got the results of the proficiency test. Although the test was challenging, covering reading, writing, math, and citizenship, I was sure I had passed every part. To my surprise, I did pass every part—except writing. "Writing! Yeah right! How did I manage to fail writing, and by half a point, no less?" I thought to myself in disbelief. Seeing my test results brought tears to my eyes. I honestly could not believe it. To make matters worse, most of my classmates, including some who were barely passing eighth-grade English, passed that part. Until that time, I loved writing just as much as I loved math. It was one of my strengths. I was good at it, and I enjoyed it. If anything, I thought I might fail citizenship. How could I have screwed up writing? I surely spelled every word correctly, used good grammar, and even used big words in the proper context. How could I have failed? Finally I got over it and decided it was no big deal. Surely I would pass the next time. In my honors English class I worked diligently, passing with an A. By October I'd be ready to conquer that writing test. Well, guess what? I failed the test again, again with only 4.5 of the 5 points needed to pass. That time I did cry, and even went to my English teacher, Mrs. Brown, and asked, "How can I get A's in all my English classes but fail the writing part of the proficiency test twice?" She couldn't answer my question. Even my friends and classmates were confused. I felt like a failure. I had disappointed my family and seriously let myself down. Worst of all, I still couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I decided to quit trying so hard. Apparently—I told myself—the people grading the tests didn't have the slightest clue about what constituted good writing. I continued to excel in class and passed the test on the third try. But I never again felt the same love of reading and writing. This experience showed me just how differently my writing could be judged by various readers. Obviously all my English teachers and many others enjoyed or at least appreciated my writing. A poem I wrote was put on television once. I must have been a pretty good writer. Unfortunately the graders of the ninth-grade proficiency test didn't feel the same, and when students fail the test, the state of Ohio doesn't offer any explanation. After I failed the test the first time, I began to hate writing, and I started to doubt myself. I doubted my ability and the ideas I wrote about. Failing the second time made things worse, so perhaps to protect myself from my doubts, I stopped taking English seriously. Perhaps because of that lack of seriousness, I earned a 2 on the Advanced Placement English Exam, barely passed the twelfth-grade proficiency test, and was placed in developmental writing in college. I wish I knew why I failed that test, because then I might have written what was expected on the second try, maintained my enthusiasm for writing, and continued to do well.
Key Features / Literacy Narratives (& regular Memoirs too!)
A well-told story. As with most narratives, those about literacy often set up some sort of situation that needs to be resolved. That need for resolution makes readers want to keep reading. We want to know whether Nichols ultimately will pass the proficiency test. Some literacy narratives simply explore the role that reading or writing played at some time in someone's life—assuming, perhaps, that learning to read or write is a challenge to be met.
Vivid detail. Details can bring a narrative to life for readers by giving them vivid mental images of the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and textures of the world in which your story takes place. The details you use when describing something can help readers picture places, people, and events; dialogue can help them hear what is being said. Dialogue can help bring a narrative to life.
Some indication of the narrative's significance. By definition, a literacy narrative tells something the writer remembers about learning to read or write. In addition, the writer needs to make clear why the incident matters to him or her. You may reveal its significance in various ways. Nichols does it when she says she no longer loves to read or write. The trick is to avoid tacking onto the end a statement about your narrative's significance as if it were a kind of moral of the story.
In the following literacy narrative, Shannon Nichols, a student at Wright State University, describes her experience taking the standardized writing proficiency test that high school students in Ohio must pass to graduate. She wrote this essay for a college writing course, where her audience included her classmates and instructor. ( First year writing students are often called upon to compose literacy narratives to explore how they learned to read or write.)
SHANNON NICHOLS "Proficiency"
The first time I took the ninth-grade proficiency test was in March of eighth grade. The test ultimately determines whether students may receive a high school diploma. After months of preparation and anxiety, the pressure was on. Throughout my elementary and middle school years, I was a strong student, always on the honor roll. I never had a GPA below 3.0. I was smart, and I knew it. That is, until I got the results of the proficiency test. Although the test was challenging, covering reading, writing, math, and citizenship, I was sure I had passed every part. To my surprise, I did pass every part—except writing. "Writing! Yeah right! How did I manage to fail writing, and by half a point, no less?" I thought to myself in disbelief. Seeing my test results brought tears to my eyes. I honestly could not believe it. To make matters worse, most of my classmates, including some who were barely passing eighth-grade English, passed that part. Until that time, I loved writing just as much as I loved math. It was one of my strengths. I was good at it, and I enjoyed it. If anything, I thought I might fail citizenship. How could I have screwed up writing? I surely spelled every word correctly, used good grammar, and even used big words in the proper context. How could I have failed? Finally I got over it and decided it was no big deal. Surely I would pass the next time. In my honors English class I worked diligently, passing with an A. By October I'd be ready to conquer that writing test. Well, guess what? I failed the test again, again with only 4.5 of the 5 points needed to pass. That time I did cry, and even went to my English teacher, Mrs. Brown, and asked, "How can I get A's in all my English classes but fail the writing part of the proficiency test twice?" She couldn't answer my question. Even my friends and classmates were confused. I felt like a failure. I had disappointed my family and seriously let myself down. Worst of all, I still couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I decided to quit trying so hard. Apparently—I told myself—the people grading the tests didn't have the slightest clue about what constituted good writing. I continued to excel in class and passed the test on the third try. But I never again felt the same love of reading and writing. This experience showed me just how differently my writing could be judged by various readers. Obviously all my English teachers and many others enjoyed or at least appreciated my writing. A poem I wrote was put on television once. I must have been a pretty good writer. Unfortunately the graders of the ninth-grade proficiency test didn't feel the same, and when students fail the test, the state of Ohio doesn't offer any explanation. After I failed the test the first time, I began to hate writing, and I started to doubt myself. I doubted my ability and the ideas I wrote about. Failing the second time made things worse, so perhaps to protect myself from my doubts, I stopped taking English seriously. Perhaps because of that lack of seriousness, I earned a 2 on the Advanced Placement English Exam, barely passed the twelfth-grade proficiency test, and was placed in developmental writing in college. I wish I knew why I failed that test, because then I might have written what was expected on the second try, maintained my enthusiasm for writing, and continued to do well.
Key Features / Literacy Narratives (& regular Memoirs too!)
A well-told story. As with most narratives, those about literacy often set up some sort of situation that needs to be resolved. That need for resolution makes readers want to keep reading. We want to know whether Nichols ultimately will pass the proficiency test. Some literacy narratives simply explore the role that reading or writing played at some time in someone's life—assuming, perhaps, that learning to read or write is a challenge to be met.
Vivid detail. Details can bring a narrative to life for readers by giving them vivid mental images of the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and textures of the world in which your story takes place. The details you use when describing something can help readers picture places, people, and events; dialogue can help them hear what is being said. Dialogue can help bring a narrative to life.
Some indication of the narrative's significance. By definition, a literacy narrative tells something the writer remembers about learning to read or write. In addition, the writer needs to make clear why the incident matters to him or her. You may reveal its significance in various ways. Nichols does it when she says she no longer loves to read or write. The trick is to avoid tacking onto the end a statement about your narrative's significance as if it were a kind of moral of the story.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Supplemental Essays: Helpful Tips
Supplemental Essay Mistakes
If a College Requires a Supplemental Essay, Avoid These Common Errors
By Allen Grove,
Supplemental essays for college applications can take all kinds of forms, but the majority of them are actually asking a very similar question: "Why do you want to go to our college?"
The question sounds simple, but college admissions officers see the five mistakes below all too frequently. As you write your supplemental essay for your college applications, be sure to steer clear of these common blunders.
1. Vague Language - The Essay Is Generic and Lacking Detail
If a college asks you why you want to attend, be specific. Far too many supplemental essays resemble this Sample essay for Duke University -- the essay says nothing specific about the school in question. Whatever school you are applying to, make sure your essay addresses the particular features of that school that appeal to you. (Go online to research that school if needed!)
2. Length - The Essay Is Too Long
Many prompts for the supplemental essay ask you to write a single paragraph or two. Don't go beyond the stated limit. Also realize that a tight and engaging single paragraph is better than two mediocre paragraphs. The admissions officers have thousands of applications to read, and they will appreciate brevity.
3. Lack of Focus -- The Essay Doesn't Answer the Question
If the essay prompt asks you to explain why the college is a good match for your professional interests, don't write an essay about how your friends and brother go to the school. If the prompt asks you how you hope to grow while in college, don't write an essay about how much you want to earn a bachelor's degree. Read the prompt multiple times before writing, and read it again carefully after you've written your essay.
4. Faulty Tone -- You Sound Like a Privileged Snob
"I want to go to Williams because my father and brother both attended Williams..." A better reason to attend a college is because the curriculum matches your academic and professional goals. Essays that focus on legacy status or connections with influential people often fail to answer the question well, and they are likely to create a negative impression. You may state this somewhere in the essay, but it should not be a focal point.
5. Faulty Tone -- You Sound Too Materialistic
The admissions counselors see a lot of essays that are honest to a fault. Sure, most of us go to college because we want to get a degree and earn a good salary. Don't over-emphasize this point in your essay. If your essay states you want to go to Penn because their business majors earn more money than those from other colleges, you won't impress anyone. You'll sound self-interested and materialistic.
If a College Requires a Supplemental Essay, Avoid These Common Errors
By Allen Grove,
Supplemental essays for college applications can take all kinds of forms, but the majority of them are actually asking a very similar question: "Why do you want to go to our college?"
The question sounds simple, but college admissions officers see the five mistakes below all too frequently. As you write your supplemental essay for your college applications, be sure to steer clear of these common blunders.
1. Vague Language - The Essay Is Generic and Lacking Detail
If a college asks you why you want to attend, be specific. Far too many supplemental essays resemble this Sample essay for Duke University -- the essay says nothing specific about the school in question. Whatever school you are applying to, make sure your essay addresses the particular features of that school that appeal to you. (Go online to research that school if needed!)
2. Length - The Essay Is Too Long
Many prompts for the supplemental essay ask you to write a single paragraph or two. Don't go beyond the stated limit. Also realize that a tight and engaging single paragraph is better than two mediocre paragraphs. The admissions officers have thousands of applications to read, and they will appreciate brevity.
3. Lack of Focus -- The Essay Doesn't Answer the Question
If the essay prompt asks you to explain why the college is a good match for your professional interests, don't write an essay about how your friends and brother go to the school. If the prompt asks you how you hope to grow while in college, don't write an essay about how much you want to earn a bachelor's degree. Read the prompt multiple times before writing, and read it again carefully after you've written your essay.
4. Faulty Tone -- You Sound Like a Privileged Snob
"I want to go to Williams because my father and brother both attended Williams..." A better reason to attend a college is because the curriculum matches your academic and professional goals. Essays that focus on legacy status or connections with influential people often fail to answer the question well, and they are likely to create a negative impression. You may state this somewhere in the essay, but it should not be a focal point.
5. Faulty Tone -- You Sound Too Materialistic
The admissions counselors see a lot of essays that are honest to a fault. Sure, most of us go to college because we want to get a degree and earn a good salary. Don't over-emphasize this point in your essay. If your essay states you want to go to Penn because their business majors earn more money than those from other colleges, you won't impress anyone. You'll sound self-interested and materialistic.
Friday, September 11, 2009
AN ADMISSIONS OFFICER’S CRITIQUE OF THE ESSAY:
AN ADMISSION OFFICER’S CRITIQUE OF THE ESSAY:
The Topic
This sample college admissions essay was written by Max for personal essay option #3 of the Common Application: "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." This option tends to lead rather predictable essays that focus on the typical heroes of high school students: a parent, a brother or sister, a coach, a teacher.
From the first sentence, we know that Max's essay is going to be different: "Anthony was neither a leader nor a role model." Max's strategy is a good one, and the admissions folks who read the essay will most likely be pleased to read an essay that isn't about how Dad is the greatest role model or Coach is the greatest mentor.
Also, essays on influential people often conclude with the writers explaining how they've become a better people or owe all of their success to the mentor. Max takes the idea in a different direction--Anthony has made Max realize that he isn't as good of a person as he had thought, that he still has much to learn. The humility and self-critique is refreshing.
The Title
Max's title is perhaps a little too clever. "Student Teacher" immediately suggests a student who is teaching (something that Max is doing in his narrative), but the true meaning is that Max's student taught him an important lesson. Thus, both Anthony and Max are "student teachers."
However, that double meaning is not apparent until after one has read the essay. The title by itself does not immediately grab our attention, nor does it clearly tell use what the essay will be about.
The Tone
For the most part, Max maintains a pretty serious tone throughout the essay. The first paragraph does have a nice touch in the way that it pokes fun at all the cliché activities that are typical of summer camp.
The real strength of the essay, however, is that Max manages the tone to avoid sounding like he is bragging about his accomplishments. The self-criticism of the essay's conclusion may seem like a risk, but I'd argue it works to Max's advantage. The admissions counselors know that no student is perfect, so Max's awareness of his own short-comings will probably be interpreted as a sign of maturity, not as red flag highlighting a defect in character.
The Writing
At just a little over 700 words, Max's essay is a good length. The prose is never wordy, flowery, or excessive. The sentences tend to be short and clear, so the overall reading experience isn't labored.
The opening sentence grabs our attention because it isn't what we expect for this essay option. The conclusion is also pleasingly surprising. Many students would be tempted to make themselves the hero of the essay and state what a profound impact they had on Anthony. Max turns it around, highlights his own failures, and gives the credit to Anthony.
The balance of the essay isn't perfect. The prompt on the Common Application tells us to "indicate a person who has had an significant influence" on us, and then "describe that influence." Max's essay spends far more time describing Anthony than it does describing Anthony's influence. Ideally, Max could cut a couple sentences from the middle of the essay and then develop a little further the two short concluding paragraphs.
Final Thoughts
Max's essay takes some risks. It's possible an admissions officer would judge Max negatively for exposing his biases. Also, Max skirts some touchy issues when he talks about race. The essay could easily stray into a rather uncomfortable display of hierarchical racial positioning if Max were to present himself as the white kid from the suburbs who became the mentor of the poor minority kid from the inner city.
I believe Max avoids these traps and writes an effective and compelling essay. In the end, Max presents himself as someone who is a leader (he is designing and teaching a class, after all) and as someone who is aware that he still has much to learn. These are qualities that should be attractive to most college admissions folks.
___________________________________________________________________
TIPS TO HELP YOU:
Avoid the List
Many college applicants make the mistake of trying to include all of their accomplishments and activities in their application essays. Such essays read like what they are: tedious lists. Other parts of the application provide plenty of space for you to list extracurricular activities, so save your lists for the places where they belong.
The most engaging and compelling essays tell a story and have a clear focus. Through carefully chosen detail, your writing should reveal your passions and expose your personality. A thoughtful and detailed narration of a difficult time in your life tells far more about you than a list of competitions won and honors achieved. Your grades and scores show that you’re smart. Use your essay to show that you’re thoughtful and mature, that your personality has depth.
A Touch of Humor (but just a touch)
While it's important to be thoughtful and mature, you don't want your college application essay to be too heavy. Try to lighten up the essay with a clever metaphor, a well-placed witticism, or a little self-deprecating humor. But don't overdo it. The essay that is filled with bad puns or off-color jokes will often end up in the rejection pile. Also, humor isn't a substitute for substance. Your primary task is to answer the essay prompt thoughtfully; the smile you bring to your reader's lips is just a bonus (and a tear can sometimes be effective too). Many students have been rejected for failing to take the prompt seriously and writing essays that end up being more foolish than clever.
Tone, Tone, Tone
Not just humor, but the overall tone of your application essay is remarkably important. It's also difficult to get right. When you are asked to write about your accomplishments, those 750 words on how great you are can make you sound like a braggart. Be careful to balance your pride in your achievements with humility and generosity towards others. You also want to avoid sounding like a whiner -- use your essay to show off your skills, not to explain the injustices that lead to your low math score or failure to graduate #1 in your class.
Reveal Your Character
Along with the essay, most colleges rate "character and personal qualities" as extremely important in their admissions decisions. Your character shows up in three places on the application: the interview (if you have one), your involvement in extracurricular activities, and your essay. Of the three, the essay is the most immediate and illuminating to the admissions folks as they read through thousands of applications. Remember, colleges aren’t looking solely for straight "A"s and high SAT scores. They are looking for good citizens for their campus communities.
Mechanics Matter
Grammatical problems, punctuation errors, and spelling mistakes can hurt your chance of being accepted. When excessive, these errors are distracting and make your application essay difficult to understand. Even a few errors, however, can be a strike against you. They show a lack of care and quality control in your written work, and your success in college partly depends upon strong writing skills.
If English isn't your greatest strength, seek help. Ask a favorite teacher to go over the essay with you, or find a friend with strong editorial skills. If you can't find expert help, there are many on-line essay services that can provide a careful critique of your writing.
The Topic
This sample college admissions essay was written by Max for personal essay option #3 of the Common Application: "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." This option tends to lead rather predictable essays that focus on the typical heroes of high school students: a parent, a brother or sister, a coach, a teacher.
From the first sentence, we know that Max's essay is going to be different: "Anthony was neither a leader nor a role model." Max's strategy is a good one, and the admissions folks who read the essay will most likely be pleased to read an essay that isn't about how Dad is the greatest role model or Coach is the greatest mentor.
Also, essays on influential people often conclude with the writers explaining how they've become a better people or owe all of their success to the mentor. Max takes the idea in a different direction--Anthony has made Max realize that he isn't as good of a person as he had thought, that he still has much to learn. The humility and self-critique is refreshing.
The Title
Max's title is perhaps a little too clever. "Student Teacher" immediately suggests a student who is teaching (something that Max is doing in his narrative), but the true meaning is that Max's student taught him an important lesson. Thus, both Anthony and Max are "student teachers."
However, that double meaning is not apparent until after one has read the essay. The title by itself does not immediately grab our attention, nor does it clearly tell use what the essay will be about.
The Tone
For the most part, Max maintains a pretty serious tone throughout the essay. The first paragraph does have a nice touch in the way that it pokes fun at all the cliché activities that are typical of summer camp.
The real strength of the essay, however, is that Max manages the tone to avoid sounding like he is bragging about his accomplishments. The self-criticism of the essay's conclusion may seem like a risk, but I'd argue it works to Max's advantage. The admissions counselors know that no student is perfect, so Max's awareness of his own short-comings will probably be interpreted as a sign of maturity, not as red flag highlighting a defect in character.
The Writing
At just a little over 700 words, Max's essay is a good length. The prose is never wordy, flowery, or excessive. The sentences tend to be short and clear, so the overall reading experience isn't labored.
The opening sentence grabs our attention because it isn't what we expect for this essay option. The conclusion is also pleasingly surprising. Many students would be tempted to make themselves the hero of the essay and state what a profound impact they had on Anthony. Max turns it around, highlights his own failures, and gives the credit to Anthony.
The balance of the essay isn't perfect. The prompt on the Common Application tells us to "indicate a person who has had an significant influence" on us, and then "describe that influence." Max's essay spends far more time describing Anthony than it does describing Anthony's influence. Ideally, Max could cut a couple sentences from the middle of the essay and then develop a little further the two short concluding paragraphs.
Final Thoughts
Max's essay takes some risks. It's possible an admissions officer would judge Max negatively for exposing his biases. Also, Max skirts some touchy issues when he talks about race. The essay could easily stray into a rather uncomfortable display of hierarchical racial positioning if Max were to present himself as the white kid from the suburbs who became the mentor of the poor minority kid from the inner city.
I believe Max avoids these traps and writes an effective and compelling essay. In the end, Max presents himself as someone who is a leader (he is designing and teaching a class, after all) and as someone who is aware that he still has much to learn. These are qualities that should be attractive to most college admissions folks.
___________________________________________________________________
TIPS TO HELP YOU:
Avoid the List
Many college applicants make the mistake of trying to include all of their accomplishments and activities in their application essays. Such essays read like what they are: tedious lists. Other parts of the application provide plenty of space for you to list extracurricular activities, so save your lists for the places where they belong.
The most engaging and compelling essays tell a story and have a clear focus. Through carefully chosen detail, your writing should reveal your passions and expose your personality. A thoughtful and detailed narration of a difficult time in your life tells far more about you than a list of competitions won and honors achieved. Your grades and scores show that you’re smart. Use your essay to show that you’re thoughtful and mature, that your personality has depth.
A Touch of Humor (but just a touch)
While it's important to be thoughtful and mature, you don't want your college application essay to be too heavy. Try to lighten up the essay with a clever metaphor, a well-placed witticism, or a little self-deprecating humor. But don't overdo it. The essay that is filled with bad puns or off-color jokes will often end up in the rejection pile. Also, humor isn't a substitute for substance. Your primary task is to answer the essay prompt thoughtfully; the smile you bring to your reader's lips is just a bonus (and a tear can sometimes be effective too). Many students have been rejected for failing to take the prompt seriously and writing essays that end up being more foolish than clever.
Tone, Tone, Tone
Not just humor, but the overall tone of your application essay is remarkably important. It's also difficult to get right. When you are asked to write about your accomplishments, those 750 words on how great you are can make you sound like a braggart. Be careful to balance your pride in your achievements with humility and generosity towards others. You also want to avoid sounding like a whiner -- use your essay to show off your skills, not to explain the injustices that lead to your low math score or failure to graduate #1 in your class.
Reveal Your Character
Along with the essay, most colleges rate "character and personal qualities" as extremely important in their admissions decisions. Your character shows up in three places on the application: the interview (if you have one), your involvement in extracurricular activities, and your essay. Of the three, the essay is the most immediate and illuminating to the admissions folks as they read through thousands of applications. Remember, colleges aren’t looking solely for straight "A"s and high SAT scores. They are looking for good citizens for their campus communities.
Mechanics Matter
Grammatical problems, punctuation errors, and spelling mistakes can hurt your chance of being accepted. When excessive, these errors are distracting and make your application essay difficult to understand. Even a few errors, however, can be a strike against you. They show a lack of care and quality control in your written work, and your success in college partly depends upon strong writing skills.
If English isn't your greatest strength, seek help. Ask a favorite teacher to go over the essay with you, or find a friend with strong editorial skills. If you can't find expert help, there are many on-line essay services that can provide a careful critique of your writing.
Max's College Essay: read & we will discuss in class
This sample application essay was written by Max for personal essay option #3 of the Common Application: "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence."
Anthony was neither a leader nor a role model. In fact, his teachers and his parents were constantly chastising him because he was disruptive, ate too much, and had a hard time staying focused on a task. I met Anthony when I was a counselor at a local summer camp. The counselors had the usual duties of keeping kids from smoking, drowning, and killing each other. We made God’s eyes, friendship bracelets, collages, and other clichés. We rode horses, sailed boats, and hunted snipe.
Each counselor also had to teach a three-week course that was supposed to be a little more “academic” than the usual camp fare. I created a class called “Things that Fly.” I met with fifteen students for an hour a day as we designed, built, and flew kites, model rockets, and balsawood airplanes.
Anthony signed up for my class. Anthony stood out from my other students for many reasons. He was larger and louder than the other middle school kids. He was also the only African American in the class. The camp was located in a well-to-do and predominately white neighborhood. In a questionable effort to promote economic and racial diversity, the camp organizers developed a strategy of busing inner-city kids out to the burbs. But despite the best efforts of the organizers and counselors, the inner-city kids and suburbanites tended to stick to their own groups during most activities and meals.
Anthony was not a good student. He had been kept back a year at his school. He talked out of turn and lost interest when others were talking. In my class, Anthony got some good laughs when he smashed his kite and threw the pieces into the wind. His rocket never made it to the launch pad because he crumpled it in a fit of frustration when he couldn’t get the fins to stay on.
In the final week, when we were making airplanes, Anthony surprised me when he drew a sketch of a sweep-wing jet and told me he wanted to make a “really cool plane.” Like many of Anthony’s teachers, and perhaps even his parents, I had largely given up on him. Now he suddenly showed a spark of interest. I didn’t think the interest would last, but I helped Anthony get started on a scale blueprint for his plane. I worked one-on-one with Anthony and had him use his project to demonstrate to his classmates how to cut, glue and mount the balsawood framework. When the frames were complete, we covered them with tissue paper. We mounted propellers and rubber bands. Anthony, with all his thumbs, created something that looked a bit like his original drawing despite some wrinkles and extra glue.
Our first test flight saw Anthony’s plane nose-dive straight into the ground. His plane had a lot of wing area in the back and too much weight in the front. I expected Anthony to grind his plane into the earth with his boot. He didn’t. He wanted to make his creation work. The class returned to the classroom to make adjustments, and Anthony added some big flaps to the wings. Our second test flight surprised the whole class. As many of the planes stalled, twisted, and nose-dived, Anthony’s flew straight out from the hillside and landed gently a good 50 yards away.
I’m not writing about Anthony to suggest that I was a good teacher. I wasn’t. In fact, I had quickly dismissed Anthony like many of his teachers before me. At best, I had viewed him as a distraction in my class, and I felt my job was to keep him from sabotaging the experience for the other students. Anthony’s ultimate success was a result of his own motivation, not my instruction.
Anthony’s success wasn’t just his plane. He had succeeded in making me aware of my own failures. Here was a student who was never taken seriously and had developed a bunch of behavioral issues as a result. I never stopped to look for his potential, discover his interests, or get to know the kid beneath the facade. I had grossly underestimated Anthony, and I am grateful that he was able to disillusion me.
I like to think that I’m an open-minded, liberal, and non-judgmental person. Anthony taught me that I’m not there yet.
Anthony was neither a leader nor a role model. In fact, his teachers and his parents were constantly chastising him because he was disruptive, ate too much, and had a hard time staying focused on a task. I met Anthony when I was a counselor at a local summer camp. The counselors had the usual duties of keeping kids from smoking, drowning, and killing each other. We made God’s eyes, friendship bracelets, collages, and other clichés. We rode horses, sailed boats, and hunted snipe.
Each counselor also had to teach a three-week course that was supposed to be a little more “academic” than the usual camp fare. I created a class called “Things that Fly.” I met with fifteen students for an hour a day as we designed, built, and flew kites, model rockets, and balsawood airplanes.
Anthony signed up for my class. Anthony stood out from my other students for many reasons. He was larger and louder than the other middle school kids. He was also the only African American in the class. The camp was located in a well-to-do and predominately white neighborhood. In a questionable effort to promote economic and racial diversity, the camp organizers developed a strategy of busing inner-city kids out to the burbs. But despite the best efforts of the organizers and counselors, the inner-city kids and suburbanites tended to stick to their own groups during most activities and meals.
Anthony was not a good student. He had been kept back a year at his school. He talked out of turn and lost interest when others were talking. In my class, Anthony got some good laughs when he smashed his kite and threw the pieces into the wind. His rocket never made it to the launch pad because he crumpled it in a fit of frustration when he couldn’t get the fins to stay on.
In the final week, when we were making airplanes, Anthony surprised me when he drew a sketch of a sweep-wing jet and told me he wanted to make a “really cool plane.” Like many of Anthony’s teachers, and perhaps even his parents, I had largely given up on him. Now he suddenly showed a spark of interest. I didn’t think the interest would last, but I helped Anthony get started on a scale blueprint for his plane. I worked one-on-one with Anthony and had him use his project to demonstrate to his classmates how to cut, glue and mount the balsawood framework. When the frames were complete, we covered them with tissue paper. We mounted propellers and rubber bands. Anthony, with all his thumbs, created something that looked a bit like his original drawing despite some wrinkles and extra glue.
Our first test flight saw Anthony’s plane nose-dive straight into the ground. His plane had a lot of wing area in the back and too much weight in the front. I expected Anthony to grind his plane into the earth with his boot. He didn’t. He wanted to make his creation work. The class returned to the classroom to make adjustments, and Anthony added some big flaps to the wings. Our second test flight surprised the whole class. As many of the planes stalled, twisted, and nose-dived, Anthony’s flew straight out from the hillside and landed gently a good 50 yards away.
I’m not writing about Anthony to suggest that I was a good teacher. I wasn’t. In fact, I had quickly dismissed Anthony like many of his teachers before me. At best, I had viewed him as a distraction in my class, and I felt my job was to keep him from sabotaging the experience for the other students. Anthony’s ultimate success was a result of his own motivation, not my instruction.
Anthony’s success wasn’t just his plane. He had succeeded in making me aware of my own failures. Here was a student who was never taken seriously and had developed a bunch of behavioral issues as a result. I never stopped to look for his potential, discover his interests, or get to know the kid beneath the facade. I had grossly underestimated Anthony, and I am grateful that he was able to disillusion me.
I like to think that I’m an open-minded, liberal, and non-judgmental person. Anthony taught me that I’m not there yet.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Comma Pre Quiz
Click on the link below to take the interactive comma quiz. We will then discuss comma rules that you need help with.
http://www.grammarbook.com/grammar_quiz/commas_1.asp
http://www.grammarbook.com/grammar_quiz/commas_1.asp
Sentence Variety
Adding sentence variety to prose can give it life and rhythm. Too many sentences with the same structure and length can grow monotonous for readers. Long sentences work well for incorporating a lot of information, and short sentences can often maximize crucial points. These general tips may help add variety to similar sentences.
1. Vary the rhythm by alternating short and long sentences.
Several sentences of the same length can make for bland writing. To enliven paragraphs, write sentences of different lengths. This will also allow for effective emphasis.
Example: The Winslow family visited Canada and Alaska last summer to find some native American art. In Anchorage stores they found some excellent examples of soapstone carvings. But they couldn't find a dealer selling any of the woven wall hangings they wanted. They were very disappointed when they left Anchorage empty-handed.
Revision: The Winslow family visited Canada and Alaska last summer to find some native American art, such as soapstone carvings and wall hangings. Anchorage stores had many soapstone items available. Still, they were disappointed to learn that wall hangings, which they had especially wanted, were difficult to find. Sadly, they left empty-handed.
Example: Many really good blues guitarists have all had the last name King. They have been named Freddie King and Albert King and B.B. King. The name King must make a bluesman a really good bluesman. The bluesmen named King have all been very talented and good guitar players. The claim that a name can make a guitarist good may not be that far fetched.
Revision: What makes a good bluesman? Maybe, just maybe, it's all in a stately name. B.B. King. Freddie King. Albert King. It's no coincidence that they're the royalty of their genre. When their fingers dance like court jesters, their guitars gleam like scepters, and their voices bellow like regal trumpets, they seem almost like nobility. Hearing their music is like walking into the throne room. They really are kings.
2. Vary sentence openings.
If too many sentences start with the same word, especially "The," "It," "This," or "I," prose can grow tedious for readers, so changing opening words and phrases can be refreshing. Below are alternative openings for a fairly standard sentence. Notice that different beginnings can alter not only the structure but also the emphasis of the sentence. They may also require rephrasing in sentences before or after this one, meaning that one change could lead to an abundance of sentence variety.
Example: The biggest coincidence that day happened when David and I ended up sitting next to each other at the Super Bowl.
Possible Revisions:
•Coincidentally, David and I ended up sitting right next to each other at the Super Bowl.
•In an amazing coincidence, David and I ended up sitting next to each other at the Super Bowl.
•Sitting next to David at the Super Bowl was a tremendous coincidence.
Copyright ©1995-2010 by The Writing Lab & The OWL at Purdue and Purdue University
1. Vary the rhythm by alternating short and long sentences.
Several sentences of the same length can make for bland writing. To enliven paragraphs, write sentences of different lengths. This will also allow for effective emphasis.
Example: The Winslow family visited Canada and Alaska last summer to find some native American art. In Anchorage stores they found some excellent examples of soapstone carvings. But they couldn't find a dealer selling any of the woven wall hangings they wanted. They were very disappointed when they left Anchorage empty-handed.
Revision: The Winslow family visited Canada and Alaska last summer to find some native American art, such as soapstone carvings and wall hangings. Anchorage stores had many soapstone items available. Still, they were disappointed to learn that wall hangings, which they had especially wanted, were difficult to find. Sadly, they left empty-handed.
Example: Many really good blues guitarists have all had the last name King. They have been named Freddie King and Albert King and B.B. King. The name King must make a bluesman a really good bluesman. The bluesmen named King have all been very talented and good guitar players. The claim that a name can make a guitarist good may not be that far fetched.
Revision: What makes a good bluesman? Maybe, just maybe, it's all in a stately name. B.B. King. Freddie King. Albert King. It's no coincidence that they're the royalty of their genre. When their fingers dance like court jesters, their guitars gleam like scepters, and their voices bellow like regal trumpets, they seem almost like nobility. Hearing their music is like walking into the throne room. They really are kings.
2. Vary sentence openings.
If too many sentences start with the same word, especially "The," "It," "This," or "I," prose can grow tedious for readers, so changing opening words and phrases can be refreshing. Below are alternative openings for a fairly standard sentence. Notice that different beginnings can alter not only the structure but also the emphasis of the sentence. They may also require rephrasing in sentences before or after this one, meaning that one change could lead to an abundance of sentence variety.
Example: The biggest coincidence that day happened when David and I ended up sitting next to each other at the Super Bowl.
Possible Revisions:
•Coincidentally, David and I ended up sitting right next to each other at the Super Bowl.
•In an amazing coincidence, David and I ended up sitting next to each other at the Super Bowl.
•Sitting next to David at the Super Bowl was a tremendous coincidence.
Copyright ©1995-2010 by The Writing Lab & The OWL at Purdue and Purdue University
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
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